URGENT RELEASE FROM CENTRAL COMMAND! *** **** *** THE LAW IS AN ASSHOLE In an effort to help make sure that "no" really does mean "no" in Illinois, the state government there has just passed a law designed to protect women who at first consent to having sex, then change their minds whilst in the midst of performing the dirty deed. "The terminology of this law takes the emphasis off of the victim and puts it on the perpetrator," blurted one sound-bite-spewing idiot. "We hope it empowers victims to come forward, and we hope it empowers girls and women to know they have the right to change their mind at anytime." Yer old pal Jerky only hopes this law doesn't lead to some chance-taking scoundrel using force to get a non-consenting woman to submit to his dubious charms, in the hopes of being able to convince her to change her mind at some later point, during coitus. In the meantime, Illinois state legislators are hard at work on their next project: a law to protect women who consent to having sex, thoroughly enjoy themselves from foreplay to orgasm, go home, don't hear back from the guy for a week, then decide to teach him a lesson by telling everyone that he drugged, then raped her. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 2 On this day in 1990, after allegedly getting a green-light from U.S. ambassador April Glaspie, Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein orders his military to invade the tiny neighboring monarchy of Kuwait, using weapons supplied by the U.S. government. Then-President George Bush then gives his former best buddy Saddam the surprise of a lifetime by going on the TV and calling him a Hitler, vowing to protect Saudi Arabia and liberate Kuwait, by any means necessary. So America sets up base in Riyadh, near the Muslim holy city of Mecca, which severely pisses off Osama Bin Laden, a Saudi who'd been among the thousands trained and equipped by the C.I.A. to fight a terror war against Soviet troops in Afghanistan. The subsequent slaughter of Desert Storm - resulting in the deaths of over 25,000 Iraqi combatants and 200,000 Iraqi civilians (over a million if you count those who died as a result of drinking untreated water in the years after the war) - pisses off Osama even MORE. The rest, as they say, is an incredibly depressing, textbook case of BLOWBACK. "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to establish a military stranglehold on the world's oil reserves!"

THEY SAID IT! "When someone says something nice, I wonder about their real motive. It's a horrible way to be, but if you're a hundred percent innocent in this business, you're going to be eaten alive. Whenever I hear that I'm on the brink of stardom, I feel like I want to run into a cave. It's a scary place to be, the pinnacle." - Yer old pal Jerky knows exactly what taut and tawny Blue Crush starlet Kate Bosworth is talking about, maaan. It isn't easy being so fucking awesome, in demand and beloved. All you little people just wouldn't understand. *** *** *** "This is one of the all-time great high concepts -- an entire movie that takes place in one location and the location happens to be the most famous address on earth." - Eric Poticha, Fox Television's new vice president of movies and miniseries, way overdoes it on the hard-sell for the nefarious network's upcoming sexploitainment teleflick, Murder at the Playboy Mansion.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Henry Bent. An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Swenk Kerr for sending in today's second joke. Q: Where do women have the most curly hair? A: In Africa! WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's bouquet of shitty jokes was sent in by E. Cruz. here about the 600 pound gerbil found in san fanisco,and that was after they pulled the faggot out of its ass. a young couple is having a date inside a movie house , boy`s hand touch the girl`s pussy and slowly the boy inserted his finger to the girl`s pussy, ooooh. responded the girl..please remove your ring ,,says the girl.the boy said.. it is not my ring sweetheart it is my wristwatch!!!!! Whats another name for a women? A stinky...

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky; A little while ago, you wrote: "On this day in 1876, General George Custer and 263 members of his 7th Cavalry are totally wiped out by the combined forces of the Sioux and Cheyenne tribes at Little Bighorn, inspiring the second worst novelty song of all time, #1 hit Mr. Custer by Larry Verne (Era Records, 1960)." My question is, what was the first one? Signed: MVB Dear Messy Vaginal Bloodfart; That's an easy one. The Monster Mash, by Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers (Pickett-Capizzi, 1960). *** **** *** Dear Jerky; I know you won't print this because I'm a white man. (rest of e-mail edited out for space considerations) Signed: Scott Dear Scott; There. I printed your letter. Happy now? *** **** *** Hi Jerky, Look forward to Daily Dirt every day and love the free pics. Only thing missing is something for 'animal lovers' what about it? Can you recommend any free 'animal lovers' picture galleries , newsletters etc? Signed: Sabbie Dear Sabbie; No, I can't.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS! Care of: Craig W. Dear Jerky; The Bush/Cheney maladministration is now totally through the looking glass and way past the other side. I didn't think it could possibly get any more Strangelovian/Orwellian than: a) "We need more time to find Saddam's WMDs!" Something they refused to give to UN Weapons inspectors. These WMDs are still more elusive than Anne Coulter's clitoris but trust W - they'll find them. Hell, we had them. We sold them to him to back in the 80's! b) Why don't these God denying sand niggers just love us like the Frogs did when we beat the Nazis? Sure we had to destroy their infrastructure to save it but we're giving them freedom... freedom to go without electricity, drinking water, jobs, etc. c) The Jessica Lynch blatant lies/propaganda. [Which, posterity should note, she bravely refused to go along with. - Jerky] d) An American president inviting terrorists to attack American troops with "BRING IT ON!!!" e) Having bared the "coalition of the willing's" arse and sat it on the hornet's nest of Iraq, the US seems peeved/amazed that the rest of the world isn't too willing to jump in and help them sort out the mess!!! What's wrong with these people? Don't they have any sense of responsibility?! Then, Tuesday, on the front page of The Age, (theage.com.au) our quality broadsheet (ie non Murdoch) we learnt here in the Deep, Deep South that the Pentagon wanted to set up a futures market on possible terrorist attacks, coups etc etc. Investors could make bets on when, where and how possible terrorist attacks might occur!!! The Policy Analysis Market, (PAM) overseen by none other than the IranContra's convicted criminal 'mastermind' John Poindexter, shiny head of the Terrorist (formerly Total) Information Awareness Office! If there's been a more jaw droppingly STUPID idea, I want to hear it! I mean if the Mafia can fix horse racing, boxing and whack Kennedy, why can't they bet on Ariel Sharon being caught getting a blow job from a Palestinian hooker whilst eating a ham sandwich and make damn sure it happens? It's since been kiboshed, but I believe that whoever was responsible for such a concept in the first place should be dragged out into the street and kicked to death by one legged Vietnam veterans. But let's play with PAM for a minute. Here's the scenario I want to bet on: Those humanitarians at State, Defence and The White House have so far killed thousands of innocent Iraqis and about 200 Yanks & Poms to date: to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq, toppling a heinous despot/kleptocrat/mass murderer (a heinous despot/kleptocrat/mass murderer the US gleefully supported when he was just mass murdering Iranians). Except it's got to be a democracy that America's happy with - seeing as how America invented democracy and all. There's just one bucket of sand in the vaseline though. At least 60% of the Iraqi population is fundamentalist Shi'ite Muslim. Jeez, I wonder who they're gonna vote for when elections are finally called? I therefore predict that W will spend Godzilla only knows how much of America's blood and treasure to do the impossible, ie bring secular democracy to a country that mathematically cannot have one. Unless of course it's mandated to have separation of Church & State - just like America: Right? Yeah right... It's a fundamentalist Christian President who dragged the US into this Middle Eastern quicksand. Dare I say it? Remember 1962 in Vietnam? [Not me personally, but yeah. - Jerky] After the Sth Vietnamese overwhelmingly voted for Ho Chi Minh, (the West's ally against the Japanese in the WWII whilst the French typically hid under their beds and/or collaborated), the West was horrified. The man's a goddam Commie for Chrissake! There'll be a domino effect!!! I also predict after about 5 years of trying to get an election result the American military/industrial complex wants, killing thousands more American and Iraqis in the process, they will again decide the price of their blood is too high and will turn tail and run. The Shi'ites will join forces with Iran and create a fundamentalist Muslim superstate. The Kurds in the north will demand complete autonomy, wanting nothing to do with the aforementioned Muslim superstate. Unfortunately the Turks won't stand for that so there'll be a Turk/Kurdish war as the Iran/Iraq Shi'ites go after Qatar & Kuwait ad infinitum ad nauseum. As you know mate, I'm not one of these America haters. I'm married to an American. But as my darling wife always says, "I love my country, I fear my government." And it's impossible to disagree with her. - Craig W. [And what dumb beast, with all that's come to pass, now slouches towards Crawford to clear scrub? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com