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ON THESE DAYS!
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August 7
On this day in 1998, a massive truck bomb explodes outside the U.S. embassy in Nairobi, Kenya. Minutes later, another bomb goes off outside the embassy in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. Two hundred and twenty four people, including 12 Americans, died in the attacks. 4,500 more were wounded. At the time, all signs pointed towards disgruntled Saudi construction scion Osama bin Laden being the brains behind the plot.
Thirteen days later, on August 20, President Bill Clinton ordered cruise missiles launched against bin Laden's terrorist training camps in Afghanistan, and against a pharmaceutical plant in Sudan, where bin Laden was allegedly making or distributing chemical weapons.
Reaction from traitorous, seditious Republicans was swift. Clinton, they claimed, was "wagging the dog," -- borrowing the title of a movie that was actually based on former President Reagan's ass-covering farce of an invasion in Grenada, which was hastily thrown together to deflect criticism of the disastrous Beirut barracks bombing in which 242 Marines were killed -- to deflect attention from the blooming Monica Lewinsky scandal. Because, of course, in the minds of such ethical luminaries as Trent Lott and Bob Barr and Jesse Helms and Dan Burton and on and on, ad infinitum, it couln't possibly have been to avenge the murders of a couple hundred darkies on the least important continent on the planet! Such a move, for these racist, scum-sucking GOP Jackasses, could ONLY be either a diversionary tactic, or a waste of good missiles!
Consider the above when reading THIS REPORT by Time Magazine, which makes this administration and it's lackeys' attempts to pin the blame for 9-11 on Clinton seem all the more vile, more preposterous, and more motivated by a need to cover their own guilty fucking asses.
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THEY SAID IT!
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"It bothers me because I'm trying to understand the congruence of what I do here every day and this stupid test. What brought me down was the rules of grammar and punctuation. English being a second language for me, I didn't do well in writing. If you're not an English teacher, you don't look at the rules on a regular basis."
- Perhaps one might be able to muster up a bit of sympathy for controversial Lawrence, Massachusetts superintendent of schools Wilfredo T. Laboy's whiny complaints about failing a basic English test if he, himself, wasn't responsible for putting two dozen teachers on unpaid leave for failing the very same test.
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"I have been under strict orders since January 2001 not to do any cartoons about Bush that are derogatory. My cartoons can be neutral in tone or praiseworthy, but I cannot take him to task in a strong fashion."
- Scranton Times editorial cartoonist Dennis Draughon describes the curtain of editorial liberty being drawn shut in the moments after the coronation of King Dubya the Turd, bogus sovereign of New Perfect America. The terror attacks of 9-11 only sped up an already ongoing process.
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Bunny.
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening.
Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for amost enjoyable roll in the feathers.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
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Thanks to our old pal KoKo for sending in today's second joke.
A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's shitty joke was sent in by Klingster.
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex ?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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ASK JERKY!
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Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page:
Dear Jerky: What makes you think your fat ass is even allowed to PRETEND to have touched the utter perfection that is Salma Hayek? HOW DARE YOU, SIR!!! Signed: The Dude
Dear Dude; That's between me and the future Mrs. Salma Hayek LeBoeuf Haché. So you just mind your own beeswax, Mister!
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Hey J, With your recent experiences I thought you might be able to offer some advice. I have an old friend who has always been a big guy, but every time I see him he has gained more and more weight. He must be pushing 400 lbs by now. He has a bit of trouble just getting around and he's basically killing himself. In a way I feel like it's not really my place to be hassling him about his weight, but as a friend I'd like to do something if I could help. Any suggestions? Signed: Q
Dear Q; Mock him mercilessly until he sweats out the weight in pure shame. It's working for yer old pal Jerky!
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: PILING ON THE FARMERS!
Care of: Bob Adams
This Mr. Ca. claims to just get screwed tryin' to farm when he can't set his own prices like other industries. What about all the fuckin' government programs that protect you from drought, severe storm, or flood loss to your crop??? What about the programs that pay you NOT to farm certain areas due to environmental conservation???
I agree that the middle man makes way too damn much, but an intelligent farmer IS NOT LEFT BROKE. Usually the broke mutha fuckas have that problem with keepin' up with the Jones's. If the fella down the road gets a new tractor, well shit, then I need to do that too!! If that fellow farms a 1000 acres and I only farm 700, then I need to rent/buy more land.
It's all about management. Many farmers are hard working, nose to the grind kinda mutha fuckers, but when it comes to business management they don't have a fucking clue!! They over extend themselves and then blame it on everyone, but themselves.
A fellow farming full time in soybeans and corn with less than 500 acres is not going to be a well off man, but if you're expecting much in grain with only that much acreage - You are a damn fool. The farmers aren't getting their fair share, but there is NO REASON TO GO BROKE IN THE GRAIN MARKET!!!! Especially if you're also raising beef, which you're raising the crop that would feed the bastards. I won't say that farmers aren't gettin' fucked on the pricing of shit, but don't bitch about being broke - there is NO REASON to be such.
As far as downloading music, of course the record companies are pissed. The artists make their money from their live shows, the record company makes their bulk off of record sales. The record companies merely pimp the artists and like any pimp, when their money gets fucked with- they start fuckin' back!!!
Just a rant.
Later Dayz,
Bob Adams
[We should all go back to hunter-gathering, and having one king for every twenty men, and shit. - Jerky]
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
feedback@dailydirt.com
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