CHENEY COVER UP, KEEPING BUSH OUT OF JAIL There are a couple issues tangential to Big Dick Cheney's shotgun faux pas that yer old pal Jerky didn't get to get to in yesterday's edition of the Daily Dirt, so I might as well go through them here and now. First, the fact that this incident came hot on the heels of (and fortuitously provided a great smoke-screen for) former vice-vice-preznit Scooter Libby's revelation that Cheney was the prime mover in the nefarious plot to expose ambassador Joe Wilson's wife, Valerie Plame, as an undercover CIA operative. Sidebar: Neoconservative heavyweight Libby is in deep doo-doo, and he knows it. The good news for the rest of us is that he's showing signs of reluctance at the prospect of being thrown under the bus as a sacrificial offering to the Gods of Public Opinion. In the last week, he's fingered Cheney as the Plamegate triggerman, attempted to derail the case against him by threatening to disclose highly classified national security information, and set up a defense fund with an unbelievably vainglorious website that looks suspiciously like the Project for the New American Century (PNAC) website. As one of the early signators onto PNAC's statement of principles, could this be an indication of the other kinds of beans (no pun intended) that Libby is willing to spill? For a brief summation of the other troublesome developments currently blotted out by Cheney's hunting accident, you could do a lot worse than watch this bit of angry satire from a recent episode of The Late Show with David Letterman. At first glance, linking Cheney's gunning down of a 78-year-old man to his mounting troubles on the legal front might seem like a stretch. However, I would ask you to consider the following weird exchange between Cheney and Brit Hume during the notorious "mea culpa" interview on FOX News: Hume: Let me ask you another question. Is it your view that a vice president has the authority to declassify information? Cheney: There is an executive order to that effect. Hume: There is. Cheney: Yes. Hume: Have you done it? Cheney: Well, I've certainly advocated declassification and participated in declassification decisions. The executive order... Hume: You ever done it unilaterally? Cheney: I don't want to get into that. There is an executive order that specifies who has classification authority, and obviously focuses first and foremost on the president, but also includes the vice president. What we have here -- when considered in combination with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' recent declaration that the power of the Executive Branch is now essentially without limit -- is a preview of Cheney's defense strategy, should he somehow be sucked deeper into the Plamegate vortex than he already is. "So what if I outed a covert CIA operative who was working on Middle Eastern WMD proliferation?! Who cares if I caused the collapse of Brewster Jennings, a brass plate CIA operation that just happened to be an important intelligence window into Iran?! I'm DICK CHENEY goddamnit! I can de-classify and re-classify information at will! I'VE GOT THE POWER!!!" Suffice it to say that there are a great many reasons why this White House, and Cheney in particular, need to keep a vise-like grip on absolute power. But at this point, keeping their sorry asses out of the clink is probably the biggest reason of them all. *** **** *** THE UAE PORTS DEAL AND THE COMING GLOBAL MEGA-CRISIS Now, as for this whole ports imbroglio, yer old pal Jerky is having a hard time wrapping his head around it. On the one hand, it seems like a no-brainer; a real lose/lose situation for the White House, and a win/win situation for those who stand in opposition to them. People of all political creeds are genuinely pig-biting mad about the idea of handing over control of America's most vital and vulnerable entry-points to a company that is wholly owned by the deeply undemocratic and extremely spooky "government" of the United Arab Emirates, a nation from whence hailed 2 of the 19 alleged 9/11 hijackers, and which hasn't exactly been a great help when it comes to connecting the terror-financing dots. Considering the above, Dubya's ardent public defense of this hugely unpopular decision is difficult to understand, to say the least. The Boy King couldn't even wait until Air Force One landed before issuing his little dictum tantrum, in which he threatened to use the first veto of his administration to ensure the completion of this deal… which, it just so happens, appears to have been partially brokered by players with deep ties to his White House. So why aren't they worried about the possible repercussions? Maybe it's because they know that the spaghetti is about to hit the fan in a big, big way. Here's the skinny. At the end of March, two things are happening that a European think tank has predicted will lead to nothing less than a global mega-crisis, the complete re-alignment of the Western World as we know it. Those two things are the opening of the Iranian Oil Bourse, which will allow countries to trade oil in their own currencies (instead of the US$), and the Federal Reserve's decision to discontinue their M3 Report, which lets the holders of American debt know how many American dollars are in circulation. When those two things happen, according to the LEAP/E2020 group's analysis, it's going to be like two comets hitting our planet at the same time; a double-whammy that will feel like the Great Depression and the Fall of Communism all rolled into one. And if the worst case scenarios hold up, we'll all be too busy scrounging for canned goods and potable water to hunt down the architects of our downfall and put them behind bars, where they so richly deserve to be. Godzilla willing, we'll keep you posted. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 17 On this day in 1864, the Confederate submarine HL Hunley sends the Union ship Housatonic to a watery grave. It's the first time in history that a ship is sunk by submarine, and it remained the Confederacy's proudest moment... until the presidential elections of 2000. On this day in 1913, the New York Armory Show introduces Americans to some of the finest masterpieces of the Modern Art movement. The show was going well until the moment a monocle-sporting, cigar-chomping, top-hat-wearing plutocrat inquired about purchasing Picasso's Guitare to use as gift-wrapping paper. On this day in 1958, Johnny Hart's prehistoric-themed comic strip BC premieres. A stickler for historical accuracy, Hart insisted on using only authentic, Stone Age jokes. On this day in 1964, the United States Supreme Court rules that 1 man = 1 vote. Conservatives were outraged, and have yet to "get over it." On this day in 1989, Whitesnake front-man David Coverdale marries "actress" Tawny Kitaen. Unfortunately, tragedy strikes when three members of the wedding party succumb to the toxic fog of industrial strength hairspray that had accumulated in the poorly-ventilated cathedral. February 18 On this day in 1927, the United States officially opens diplomatic relations with the post-revolutionary British Loyalist refugee nation of Canada. "No hard feelings, eh?" On this day in 1968, guitarist David Gilmour joins legendary progressive rock combo, Pink Floyd. Unparalleled psychedelic virtuosity ensues. On this day in 1978, the first ever Iron Man Triathlon -- consisting of a 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bike race and a complete marathon -- is held in beautiful Kona, Hawaii. In the spirit of irresponsible physical challenges, yer old pal Jerky is trying to put together the Daily Dirt Triathlon, which would consist of a 12-restaurant caloric intake competition, a two-day "endurance sit", and a three hour online porno "masturbathon". Volume x ejaculation frequency = VICTORY! Speaking of online porno masturbathons, it was on this day in 1995 that Pamela "Wham-Bamela" Anderson married hairspray-metal band Motley Crumlaut's drummer, Tommy "Fuckstick" Lee, and they both lived happily ever after. February 19 On this day in 1878, inventor Thomas Alva Edison patents the gramophone, thus giving Limp Bizkit and Celine Dion an opportunity to immeasurably enrich all our lives. On this day in 1959, the African nation of Gabon adopts a constitution. Over time -- despite being surrounded by nations jam-packed with armed-to-the-teeth, cannibalistic nutters -- Gabon has become relatively calm and prosperous. One reason for this is that nobody seems to mind that the same guy's been running the place for nearly four decades, the humorously-moniker'd monarch: President Bongo! On this day in 1960, cartoonist Bil "one L" Keane's Family Circus debuts. 25 years later, on this day in 1985, Coca-Cola introduces Cherry Coke. Taken in sufficient quantities, either of these two sugary confections is capable of killing a diabetic. On this day in 1986, the United States Senate ratifies the United Nations's anti-genocide convention, 37 years after the rest of the civilized world. They had that pesky south-east Asian thing to get out of the way before they could commit. On this day in 1987, actor Yul Brenner appears in an anti-smoking ad, even though he died soon after filming it. "I'm dead now," the creepy PSA decreed. "Don't smoke." In response to this proclamation by Pharaoh, Charlton Heston put out a public service announcement of his own, in which he declared: "You can have my cigarettes when you pluck them from my cold dead lips!"

THEY SAID IT! "At a time when America desperately needs the voices of educated people as a counterweight to the disinformation that emanates from the Bush administration and its supporters, economists have discredited themselves. ... After decades of struggle to regain credibility, free market economics is on the verge of another wipeout. No sane economist can possibly maintain that a deplorable record of merely 1,054,000 net new private sector jobs over five years is an indication of a healthy economy. The total number of private sector jobs created over the five year period is 500,000 jobs less than one year’s legal and illegal immigration! ... The economics profession has failed America. It touts a meaningless number while joblessness soars. Lazy journalists at the New York Times simply rewrite the Bush administration’s press releases." - Paul Craig Roberts, Assistant Secretary of the Treasury in the Reagan administration, has issued a warning. *** **** *** "I'm a lifelong Republican and I think the President's gone insane." - Peter Gadiel, 58, head of 9/11 Families for a Secure America, reacts to the Bush administration's decision to let the 9/11-connected UAE (United Arab Emirates) take over security at some of the nation's most vital and vunlerable port facilities. I guess he isn't too impressed by DHS secretary Chertoff's assurances about a super-secret fool-proof vetting process about which he can't divulge any details because of (wait for it) "national security".

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Gilles! A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks together. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Ralston for sending in today's second joke. O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Andrea F... -k, Sir, may I now ask you a question? -Of course, go ahead. - You are at nighttime on a street and you see a woman ,dressed in a mini gown, boots, half naked breasts, walking up and down and looking at by-passing cars. Who might she be? - No doubt, a whore. -Yes, but WHICH KIND of whore? Your sister? Your mother? Your wife?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: FREEDOM FROM OIL DEPENDENCE IS HERE, NOW care of: Nik V. This was sent to me from a friend in California. He practices what he preaches too. No research, no "Manhattan Project" is needed to eliminate our addiction to oil; the solution is present and easy. We, and several hundred others, have had access to production plug-in Electric cars since 1997, and have been able to live essentially oil-free here in California; and if it can be done here, it can be done anywhere. Our electric is essentially "free", also, because we have a rooftop solar electric PV system that makes more electric credits than we use (last year, we donated $99 to SCE). Our solar systerm generates peak power in the daytime, helping reduce peak grid demand, and our electric cars charge up overnight, when electric goes begging. Our family has driven over 350,000 miles in EVs, about 50,000 miles each full year since 1998. An EV is so efficient, it goes up to 200 miles on the energy equivalent of a gallon of gas -- but without the gas, without the refineries, without the imports, without foreign wars, and without dealing with mideast oil dictators. The PV-EV solution works. With simple marketing, gm or Ford could put out a serial hybrid plug-in EV that drives gas-free for up to 100 miles at up to 80 mph, but has a small engine/generator, only used to charge the batteries or run the vehicle directly on long trips. This solution works, but of course the auto and oil companies stopped the program, and over 2000 of the EVs were taken off the road and crushed. Only Toyota let us purchase and keep their version of the oil-free car. The longer we wait to move to PV-EV, the more waste of oil and degradation of our currency. Sincerely, Doug [Better make it EV boats, instead. Greenland is melting. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky; Russian astrologer Marina Bai has sued the US space agency for ruining her horoscope, according to The Daily Izvestia: "On 4th July 2005, NASA's spacecraft Deep Impact had punched a crater into comet Temple 1 and ejected a cloud of debris. Examining the eject, scientists hope to get clues about the formation of our sun system. The astrologer claims the comet crash 'ruins the natural balance of forces in the universe' and upsets her predictions. Her lawyer Alexander Molokkov sued NASA for damages totaling 8.7 billion rubles ($300 million) for Bai's 'moral sufferings'. The hearings in the case are expected to start by the end of the month." -- Best, David In Denmark [I see a quick court dismissal in her future. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; A couple of years ago you posted a web site that showed pictuires taken in the Chernobel area. i have lost it. could you send it to me? thanks, mike [Here you go. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I wanted to congratulate you on your Kodak moment picture (the valentine's one). Precipiticiously fortunate they photoed from your favor side. Shows professionalism. Cheers! a longstanding fan near Motown [Yeah. That picture was taken back when I was working out. - Jerky] *** **** *** What a dirt bag of b.s. you're peddling! Take me off your mailing list NOW! Marina [Okay. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, When I was in Engineering School, one of my usually scruffy Hispanic classmates showed up in a black suit with a black tie. I, being the comedian/asshole that I am, cheerfully asked, "Who died?" He said, "My fadda." There should be a Law which says that you've gotta announce when it's improper to be silly. Aram [Please convey my condolences. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; This is some pretty good satire for us liberals to read and laugh about. Dave [We might as well get our licks in while we can, however weak those licks might be. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, Italian living in Spain and in love with USA, i desire to express my thankful wishes to all people, like you, that show that Preznit Dubya and his gang is not the real face of America, bad luck, very bad luck, it is the ugly and cruel face America is offering to the world in this historical moment. Let's hope better times are coming and let us struggle all together for a return to the spirit of democracy and freedom generations of Americans have earned and a single man outraged in a couple of years (and he insists!) Un caro saluto [I think better times are a long way away. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com