PRESIDENTS DAY TRIVIA! On this President's Day, we here at the Daily Dirt think it's only appropriate that we should take a moment to look back on the ten most intriguing Presidents of the last three centuries, and maybe learn something new about them. *** **** *** "I CAN NEVER TELL A LIE! I FRIGGIN' LOVE PORNOGRAPHY!" GEORGE WASHINGTON - The Very First President! Both times he was "elected" President, nobody ran against him! How's that for democracy?! George didn't have any kids of his own, just two step-kids and two adopted ones. Washington's many sets of fake teeth all smelled like somebody had stored them overnight in an ashcan, then took a shit on them, which helps explain why he had no kids of his own. Proving that Timothy McVeigh and his ilk are no mere modern aberration, George had to deal with his own anti-government shit-disturbers during the Whiskey Rebellion. He crushed them. At the end of his political career, serious thought was being given to making George Washington the King of America. He refused on principle, because he didn't want the New World to become like the Old World. Hooray for Goerge! A great man by any measure. You know, there really oughta be a monument to old George… *** **** *** "BROWN SUGAR! HOW COME YOU TASTE SO GOOD?" THOMAS JEFFERSON - Jungle Fever Smarty-Pants. Born into a one of Virginia's wealthiest families, frighteningly intelligent and extremely well-educated, Jefferson retained a humble, quiet demeanor and was said to have mixed well with people of every economic class. Taking advantage of the contacts he'd made as an American representative in Paris, Jefferson finagled Napoleon into selling off 800,000 square miles of land (the Louisiana Purchase) for the piddly sum of fifteen million bucks! Wotta steal! A life-long agnostic/deist who rejected the divinity of Jesus, Jefferson nevertheless held strong spiritual beliefs. He once said: "Question with boldness even the existence of God; because if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear." Today's evangelical born-agains would no doubt have disgusted him. Though he helped pen The Declaration of American Independence and stated his belief that all slaves should be freed, Jefferson himself at one time owned 185 slaves, famously knocked up a slave by the name of Sally Hemmings, and thought that all freed slaves should be returned to Africa, on the government's dime. *** **** *** "FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN BEERS AGO...(HIC!)" ABRAHAM LINCOLN - Big Feet, Big Hands, Big POTUS! Abraham Lincoln loved to smoked weed and played a wicked harmonica. Lincoln grew a beard because a little girl wrote him a letter saying he would look more handsome if he grew a beard. Subsequent letters suggesting he "go naked" were ignored. Black people seem to like him for some reason. His wife was friggin' nuts. Lincoln's biggest mistake was in being far, far too merciful on the traitorous South. Therein lie the seeds of our current clear and present danger. *** **** *** "WOOLY BULLY, BABY!" TEDDY ROOSEVELT - Bulletproof Bad-ass! Talk about bad luck... Teddy Roosevelt's wife died in the midst of childbirth on February 14, 1884. Later that very same day, in the very same house, his beloved mother passed away. Roosevelt was probably the first President to turn anti-racist beliefs into action. During his first term, he appointed many blacks to office in the South, as suggested by famed educator Booker T. Washington. Unfortunately, southern political and media leaders mocked what they called Roosevelt Republicanism, destroying any chance of creating a viable, multi-racial GOP in the South. Roosevelt's terms as President boast perhaps the most impressive list of acheivements of any President. He dug the Panama Canal. He was an environmentalist and conservationist who set aside huge tracts of land for public use and wildlife preserves. He pushed the Hepburn Act through, which had far-reaching effects on everything from the quality of meat to the curbing of railroad monopolies. Needless to say, most other Republicans hated his stinkin' guts. Made of sterner stuff than most, Roosevelt was shot in the chest in 1912 while en route to give a speech in Milwaukee. Unfazed, he went ahead and gave his speech, which lasted a full hour. Only then would he allow his staff to bring him to hospital. 99% of historians agree, Teddy Roosevelt was the last "good" Republican President. *** **** *** "I AM ONE FAT 'N SASSY POTUS!" HOWARD TAFT - Hell on the Furniture. Taft, the fattest man to ever be elected President, weighed nearly four hundred pounds. At one point, he managed to get his fat, pimply ass tightly wedged in the White House bath-tub. After his humiliating extrication, the porker had a special, oversized tub put in (at tax-payers expense, natch!). Taft was the first President to own an automobile. Even though he was a big, fat tub of shit, Taft was considered a good dancer, played lots of tennis, and loved to golf. Taft - a jovial man who wanted to please everyone and disliked confrontation - hated being President. By most accounts, his four years were strife-filled and unsuccessful. Luckily, he would have a chance to make more lasting contributions to the nation as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the only President to go on to that post. Because of his stint as Secretary of War, Taft is the only President (other than genuine war-hero JFK) to be burried at Arlington National Cemetary. *** **** *** "...AND I COULDA WON FOUR MORE!" FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT - History's Greatest Cripple! Thanks to the efforts of polio, Franklin Delano Roosevelt was our first gimp president. But they hid it for the longest time. That's why that Simpson's episode where they watch a vintage WWII cartoon of FDR vigorously kicking Hitler's ass is so screamingly hilarious. FDR was the first president to have his own airplane, the first to travel through the Panama Canal, the first to visit a foreign country during wartime, the first to name a woman to his Cabinet, the first to deliver a regular radio address, and the first to communicate with the dead via Tesla coils. Beloved Democrat FDR was elected four times, the most of any President. It was because of this that disgruntled conservatives got the presidential "two-terms" limit inserted into the Constitution. FDR, Churchill and Stalin... the ultimate Power Trio! *** **** *** "ERUM... GET THE NET! EUNICE IS LOOSE AGAIN! ERUM..." JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY - As a Catholic, JFK had a Vatican hotline installed next to the one for the Soviet Premier. He and the Pope would frequently chat into the night. If all the books about Kennedy's life (and death) are to be believed, he slept with exactly 3.5 different women on each and every day of his tragically foreshortened presidency. Kennedy won the Pulitzer Prize for a book he probably didn't write himself: Profiles in Courage. He never won an award for tag-teaming Marilyn Monroe with his brother, though. So it all evens out in the end. The Cuban Missile Crisis was actually the result of a practical joke gone horribly wrong, and the government never bothered to tell us. Kennedy is the only president to ever be murdered by the American government. *** **** *** "WANNA SEE ME DERAIL A TRAIN WITH IT?" LYNDON JOHNSON - There's a reason they called him, El Bee-Jay! Lyndon Johnson was hung like a moose, and never missed an oportunity to flaunt his Texas Longhorn to anybody who was interested. He also once throttled Canadian Prime Minister Phil McKracken or something. During the Kennedy Presidency, the Secret Service compiled a list of people who might conceivably pose a threat to JFK. The list had over 1,000,000 names on it, but Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't one of them. James Madison was the shortest President. He stood only five LBJ cocks tall. Taft was the heaviest President. He weighed in at a whopping 135 LBJ cocks! You know how they say everybody who was alive at the time remembers exactly where they were when they heard that Kennedy had been assassinated? They call that the "flash-bulb memory" syndrome. Well, two people who - when asked - claimed they had absolutely no recolection of where they were at the time were Presidents Nixon and Bush. Funny thing is, both men were in Dallas on that fateful day... John Hinkley Jr's father was one of Veep George Bush's best buddies. On the day before Hinkley shot Reagan in a botched assassination attempt, Bush and Hinkley Sr. had lunch together at a posh hotel restaurant. *** **** *** "I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND CHECKERS WAITING FOR ME IN HELL." RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON - Republican Archetype. During their famous summit meeting, Elvis pulled a gun out and gave it to Nixon as a gift. Security was beefed up substantially as a result of this ridiculous breech. Richard Nixon hated Jews, Blacks, Hippies, Liberals, Democrats, Feminists, unions, actors, musicians, novelists, historians, judges, other Republicans, his own family, the portraits in the White House halls, the very air in his lungs, etc, etc... Nixon destroyed those 18 minutes of tape because he had accidentally recorded himself masturbating while watching a bodybuilding show on TV. Richard Nixon was, in fact, an asshole. Richard Nixon coined the term "Hispanic" because he didn't think "Latino" sounded enough like "Spic." With his co-hort Henry Kissinger, Richard Nixon was responsible for more unprovoked death and suffering than any president since whoever it was who authorized the acceleration of the Native American genocide. Thanks to "secret wars" and bombing runs in Cambodia and Laos, he also guaranteed that whole region would be a basket case for generations. *** **** *** "DO I KNOW YOU?" RONALD WILSON REAGAN - Mysterious "Personality Cult" Presidency. Ronald Reagan was a bad B-movie actor. He played in a lot of movies with a monkey named Bonzo. Ronald Reagan named names. Ronald Reagan was in the loop. Ronald Reagan got away with murder somehow. Ronald Reagan was an Aquarius. *** **** *** "POLARIZE THE AMERICAN PUBLIC MORE SHARPLY THAN AT ANY TIME SINCE THE CIVIL WAR? MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!" GEORGE DUBYA BUSH - You're Kidding, Right? Like Reagan before him, Dubya is merely a figurehead preznit being manipulated behind the scenes by shadowy forces with sinister ambitions making long-range plans for all of us. Maybe it's his daddy. Maybe it's always been his daddy. Preznit Dubya is on track to be the first preznit since the Great Depression to have a net loss of jobs during his administration. 2,300,000 lost so far and counting! George Dubya Bush is the first unelected preznit in the history of the republic. He has yet to be told that he didn't actually win in 2000. Each and every morning, Preznit Dubya spends an hour praying intensely, his finger hovering scant inches from The Big Red Button. Lucky for us, Jesus has so far been able to "talk him down." George Dubya Bush is our first mentally retarded president. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THIS DAY February 20 On this day in 1809, the Supreme Court of the USA rules that the federal government is more powerful than any individual state… especially Rhode Island. On this day in 1929, the Boston Red Sox announce that they will begin playing baseball games on Sunday, prompting God to fortify the Curse of the Bambino. On this day in 1933, Congress repeals the nation's useless and miserably unsuccessful policy of Prohibition against alcohol. Let's hope we don't have to wait until 2033 before they repeal the nation's useless and miserably unsuccessful War On Drugs. On this day in 1962, astronaut John Glenn becomes the first American to orbit planet Earth, nearly a year after the Soviets launched kosmonaut Yuri Gagarin into orbit. All together now: "We're Number Two! We're Number Two!" On this day in 1971, the National Emergency Center mistakenly orders all US radio and TV stations to switch from programming to Emergency Alert, freaking out a whole lotta people for an entire half-hour before the error is caught, and broadcasts are allowed to continue. On this day in 2003, a Pakistani Air Force plane crashes in a remote, mountainous region, killing Air Force chief Mushaf Ali Mir and 16 others. Aside from being one of our most important "allies" (snicker, snort) in the War on Terror, the nation of Pakistan is also where the Taliban originated, and still thrives. Further complicating things, General Musharaff has been tasked with simultaneously helping the hated Western "infidels" and holding back an Iran-style popular fundamentalist Islamic revolution, at home. Pakistan also has nuclear weapons, which sucks out loud when you consider that Musharaff is pretty much all that stands between "the button" and millions of Osama-loving fundamentalist lunatics who would love nothing better than to vaporize India, then Israel, then as much of the USA as they possibly can. You think car-bombs are bad? Wait'll you get a load of car-nukes! On this day in 2003, in West Warwick, Rhode Island, concertgoers expecting to re-live their hard-rockin' high school days by taking in a Great White concert were instead sent screaming into the night by an out-of-control pyrotechnics display. The all-wood building where the concert was being held went up like a straw hat soaked in gasoline. Many were trampled in the rush to escape. Others asphyxiated on the thick toxic smoke. Still others were roasted alive where they stood. 99 people died, including Great White's guitarist. On this day in 2003 (again?!), a plane goes down in Iran, killing 304 "elite" Iranian Revolutionary Guards. Damn convenient timing!

THEY SAID IT! "And so, look, I can understand why some in Congress have raised questions about whether or not our country will be less secure as a result of this transaction. But they need to know that our government has looked at this issue and looked at it carefully." - Apparently, somebody forgot to tell Preznit Dubya that Congress IS THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT!!!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by DMZ! A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer there said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter. The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one." After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that." The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Ralston for sending in today's second joke. Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by our old pal Andrea F, in Italy! Q: Do you know the difference between a girl praying in a church and a girl in a bathtub? A: A girl praying in a church has a soul full of hope.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky, It's been a long time since you've published a descent relationship problem, for whatever reason, so I though I'd ask your expertise on this one: My girlfriend is very cool, and very open (the first time she met my boss at a work dinner she told him she thought orgies are awesome, provided there is more than one girl). Anyway, she told me and a mate that she had organised for some of her female friends to visit her recently, and when they are here that if we were up for it the orgy would be on. Cut a long story short, her friends visited, but it fell through. So my question is this, now that her friends have left, how do I convince her that an orgy is still a good idea, and get her to participate, preferably without breaking the law, or ending up single? Thanks in advance for what I am sure will be inspiring advice. hxdsa Like most emotionally fragile women, it sounds like your girlfriend confuses promiscuity for sophistication. Therefore, she feels compelled to talk a big, loud game about sex, while secretly hoping she never has to cash those checks. So I've got some good news, and some bad news. First, the good news. Sometimes it's possible to shame people into following through on empty promises. You know how hard it is at a public pool to climb back down that diving board ladder? The same principle applies with getting a girl to do something she said she'd do -- like an orgy, for instance -- about which she is secretly fearful or apprehensive. Nobody enjoys looking like a big-mouth, chickenshit liar. Now for the bad news. Seeing as you've already allowed her to wiggle out of her orgy promise, it's going to be a lot more difficult to get her to make, much less keep, such promises, ever again. She dodged a bullet, and she knows it, so she'll be watching her words for a while. The best thing to do now is to let it slide for at least a couple months, then slowly start steering her back to where she feels comfortable being sexually braggadocious with you. Eventually she's going to slip up and make a promise she'll regret... And that will be your time to attack.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: CREEPY WEATHER CONTROL SPECIAL ON DISCOVERY care of: Christine It's 3:30 in the morning, 2-17 and I just turned over to a show about weather control, seeding clouds, all that sort of thing, on the Science Channel, something called Owning The Weather. I'm only half listening while I'm reading your newest newsletter. (Thank heavens! I've been with out you for what? 2 years now? I can't get the damn thing to come to my mail!) Now this weather changing stuff is some fucked up shit! They were talking about using some sort of little nanotech dealy-bobbers and sending them up into the air to collect rain drops and take measurements, etc. The question was asked "what happened when they fell beck to earth?" The person said "oh why, even if they fell into your hair or you inhaled them, they would be no bigger than any other particle, you'd just sneeze them or cough them up." Or maybe swallow them, so "they" can track us? We've been afraid of them sticking them under our skin... maybe we should be afraid to breath?? Now they're talking about some HAARP antenna deal that super heated the ionosphere and created tornados and how it could be used to attack an enemy. This show is just downright CREEPY, dude! I tried to Google some of the terms, but either the sites are hidden, or I didn't spell them right. My better half wouldn't get his snoring butt off the remote in time to turn on the closed captioning to catch the spelling of "Dynamat" (the company) or "Dynagel" (the product) or whatever, as all sites are just plain ordinary products that have nothing to do with a gel that absorbs some 2000 times it's weight in water and turns cold at the same time. It's supposed to take the steam, so to speak, out of hurricanes. People are screwing around with some really nasty shit here. What's that old saying "You shouldn't fool Mother Nature!" Uh huh, yeah. This show is going to give me nightmares... Huh! Now they're talking about messing with Mars!!! (shaking head with disgusted wonder) You need to catch this when it's on again, and you know it will be. It was the military uses of "owning" the weather, as there are several different episodes, I think. Here's a link I think should work for you. Doesn't tell you much about it, just the upcoming times. You may read this too late for any episodes to be on again directly, but you can still keep an eye out for the program again. Just too, too creepy... Your old pal Christine [Thanks! Sounds intriguing. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky; So on FOX 'News' they had this guy named Neil Gabler (I won't even pretend I knew who he was until this incident) who they made out to be a raving lunatic because he suggested that Dick Cheney shot Whittington to cover up the release of the 'new' Abu Ghraib photos. FOX 'News' was right to jump down this guy's throat because everyone knows that Cheney didn't deliberately shoot Wittington in the face to cover up Abu Ghraib news, hells no! Cheney deliberately shot Whittington in the face to cover up the fact that he was strongarming Republicans so they won't hold hearings on his incredibly illegal wiretapping program. I mean, duh! Jack [I think you're on to something! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey MOPJ, Speaking of that white plastic chair, did any new info come to light about the Nick Berg video, anything damaging anyway. If anyone would know, it would be you. By the way, what is a psy-op anyway? Thanx Jerks. Call Me Ishmael [A psy-op is a psychological operation. Nick's dad is running for Congress in Delaware, as a Green. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, A company in Dubai has offered 6.8 Billion dollars to take over the operations of various US ports. Everybody, including Republicans, is against the transaction except for Monkey Boy. How much of that 6.8 Billion ended up in the coffers of the Bush Crime Family? Aram [Time will tell, if we're lucky. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, old buddy, you have to lighten up on 'Dickey'. I mean, after all, the guy catching pellets is a lawyer, and everybody knows we are being over run by the bastards. A little thinning of the herd could only be a good thing. Maybe there is a season on them in Texas that we don't know about. YOPS [Everybody says that. Until they need one. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ Turns out Cheney was poaching when he shot his "friend"? If I shot my buddy while poaching I'm sure they would just ask me to mail them $7 to legal up my license. You get caught poaching here they take your car, your guns, and your license and possibly lock you up! Don't know what they'd add for shooting someone. Of, for and by the people?? scoot [Nigga please. - Jerky] *** **** *** Screw Coretta Scott King, screw the whole 9 yards especially the NAACP what the hell she do (King) marry a martar? killed by Farakan Not James earl Ray the whole 9 yards especially the NAACP I am no longer a hippie, I grew up! I am now a cantakerous old fart. I don't like anybody so there. Z. Wolfe [Hurry up and die soon, m'kay? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Of the top oil producing countries in the world, only one is a democracy with a president who was elected on a platform of using his nation's oil revenue to benefit the poor. The money you pay to Citgo goes primarily to Venezuela - not Saudi Arabia or the Middle East. "Citgo is not just another oil company," says Citgo CEO Felix Rodriguez. "With Venezuela's state oil company, of which we are a subsidiary, we share a broad social mission." So buy Citgo gasoline and support democracy in South America. And check out this article in USA Today. Dave [Viva Chavez! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com